12- 17- 09

I came back from the hospital and nothing has changed. I'm still cutting, drinking, burning, erasing, and try to kill myself. My nephew got away with everything!! I'm so destroyed, this why I didn't open up my mouth. Then the guy who said would always listen, I fell in love with, but not meant to be I guess. I' breaking so quietly I don't even have brought suspicions to my dreams. I can't handle being in this house with him. How can me the victim be under punishment and then be told I'm the rapist when a girl can't be!!! How can I not cry every night and cut when I don't feel safe in my own house! I'm so close to falling again, this time I wont show the signs. Plus my parents or aka my mom wont let me hang out with anyone who knows about what my older nephew did to me! Which is messed up!!! Why me!?! Fucking hate this cruel world. Then now I'm raising my little nephew who is 9. My sister is a bitch to him so I told her off and he stays with me 24/7. I can't leave him, but I can't stop crying. He has ADHD and his dad flipped when he heard this. He doesn't believe in using medication so now since his son is on it he disowned him! Then his brother beats him, treats him like a slave, and is an ass to him. Now he sleeps in my room so I can watch him. I pick him up from school, help him get his work done, feed him, and go to the parents teacher meetings to know if something going wrong or great. Now since it's close to Christmas I have been saving my money so I can get him a nice gift. I have two jobs. I'm taking on so much responsibility that I shouldn't have! Please who ever reads this know that even if I don't know you I love you, I really do. I would have done anything to make you happy and have meet you. So my darling I have to go.

In memories of my ex baby Bayleigh  http://www6.zippyshare.com/v/89784630/file.html
Hope you can be happy as more with out me.

Anthony I'm happy you cared. I do regret pissing you off so much, just had to make sure you could forget me easily. I really do like you, but your right you don't need a relationship. I hope you can find a girl.

Ana i will miss my Chipparrot but we know it would come to this and I'm sorry. Please remeber I love you and so does graham. Never don't this in stake of my memory.

Cameron, Graham, Dilbo, and Matt (GOD) thank you for always caring and being there for me. You are my brother forever.

Rain, Sierra, Allison, Jessica,  Erica, and Gabby Never forget to keep your head held high and never doubt the possibilities. I love you guys.

School AKA Whole Life

I'm so so done with people butting into my buisness about me and bayleigh. I want to fuc up anyone who says another thing to me about it. I have to go to the doctors today =( My nephew got caught so there is a weight off my shoulder. Now I have the nurden of what I'm doing to halp parents pay bills and buy food. I feel like a whore to be honest. I'm kinda just I dont know anymore. I want to play the game Russian Roulette accept let me be the only player and let me be the winner to happiness. I have been addicted to the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEbc48xe20I Very good song. Just shows me and my life. I can't wait to play by myself.

School =-/

Today was bad =( Friends got in a fight. I cried horrible bad. I just feel so numb. I hate it here. I want to leave so bad. Hopefully I'm going to homeschooling after my exhibition. I use to love it here but now I dread coming here. Like people say don't judge a book by its cover dam I'm judging by the pages. I'm so fucking done with this school. Fuck the good program, I'm not gonna be dragged down like middle school. They can go die and I will dance on its grave. I hate it here. I want to leave so bad. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE IT HERE!!!!!!!!!Plus with all the bitches dosen't help either. I cant wait to end it with my saphire gin. I'm tierd of being scared here and feeling unsafe, but no parents dont give a fuck. Plus a bitch lost my ipod and so my safety net is gone. I NEED TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!I'm so depressed here. I have to leave or I'm going to end back in the hospital, but I do need it.



Will update soon =) happy weekend (hopefully)

October 4-9, 2009

Today was okay, but I just can't seem to erase things from my mind. I got beat up at school. I'm feeling iscolated more. I'm still cutting. Been drinking more. We won our score board proposal for swim team. Anywas what happened this week was just un forgivable. everyone is trying to start something me and Anthony, but I dont like him. He is just my friend. Right now I just need his support aslong as with Heather's. I'm so tierd of hearing people say "I love you" because it's never true. How can I beleive it? I can go sit in a corner and cry and no one would notice or care. I can cut myself and no one would care. After exhibition I'm probably going to the mental hospital for a while. =-/ So my whole advisory from freshman to sophnmore hate me